De Soto Caverns - Childersburg, Alabama - State No. 29

When I think of Alabama I think of....
Um....
Well, there was an obnoxious woman who insisted on yelling 'Roll Tide' at me while I was leaving a bar wearing a Penn State hat in New Orleans.  That's right, before I was born this happened.

 

I guess she wasn't too bad.

Yes, it's likely the Crimson Tide will beat up on the Nittany Lions come college football season in 2010.  New QB + new LBs for PSU = bad news.  I can't say I am hopeful for the Lions when they face the Crimson Tide on the gridiron in 2010.  While PSU would probably win in most athletic contests save football and baseball and probably win most academic contests, Alabama has a very good football team.  Joe Paterno is certainly a better person than Nick Saban, Alabama has a very good football team.  My Penn State hat does have one thing going for it: I do not live in Alabama.  That's right, Dirty Jerz is way better than Alabama in just about every way.  The Jersey Shore may lurk in Seaside Heights, but The Situation can't compare to William Bradley Bankston.  It's probably due to the limited incest and the improved oral hygiene in NJ, but who can be sure.

Congratulations on the BCS Championship, Alabama.  Unfortunately for you, you're still in Alabama!
My bad attitude towards obnoxious middle-aged women aside, Alabama is still one of the 50 states and therefore I am required by my vow to visit all of the state regardless of how much incest or squealing like a pig may go on there.  My first choice would have been to visit the Gulf Coast and spend some time in the warm calm waters of the Gulf of Mexico.

That looks nice, doesn't it?

 

Unfortunately, Pics of Me in Front of stuff decided to visit the South in December.

  

This was the first photo that came up on a Google image search of 'Alabama winter'.

Less driving was required to drive through the northern half of Alabama, stay in Birmingham, and visit De Soto Caverns in Childersburg than try to hit up the Gulf Shore.  It was hard to think of anything to do in Northern Alabama in December.  It does not appear to be teeming with excitement even during the height of the tourist season.  If Pics of Me in Front of Stuff was more interested in hunting Alabama may have been more interesting considering just how much wilderness there is in northern Alabama.  Unfortunately, Pics of Me in Front of Stuff does not feature a blaze orange vest or a gun so hunting was not in the cards.  

Before Pics of Me in Front of Stuff descended on De Soto Caverns, I expected something akin to a state or national park. 

 

That expectation was built on the fact that De Soto Cavern is the first officially recorded cavern in United States history, dating back to a 1796 expedition in the area.  De Soto, the conquistador, was reported as having spent time in the area with the Coosa Tribe and allegedly visited the cavern.  So being linked to a fair amount of American history, you may expect something funded by the taxpayers.  You may be able to tell from the signs, that is not what you get when you visit De Soto Caverns Park.

What you do get from De Soto Caverns is a bizarro amusement park with a cave underneath it. There are over 20 different attractions not including tours of the United States' first recorded cave though not all of them are open in December.  The ones involving getting wet via water cannons and/or water balloons were closed due to the chilly weather as was the butterfly display.  Pics of Me in Front of Stuff did get to travel through De Soto's Lost Trail Maze.

Considering how cold it was and the puddles lurking in the corners of the maze, it was quite a harrowing journey.  Maybe I am not built as tough as De Soto, but I do not go around destroying ancient civilizations either.  After finding our way through the lost trail, Pics of Me in Front of Stuff also panned for gemstones.  They do not put diamonds in that sand but that water sure is cold in December.  One of the employees did mention a previous visitor asked her to break ice to allow for his children to pan for the gemstones.  His name was not De Soto, but apparently his kids were tougher than me too.

All I had to protect me was a lousy mustache.
Another of the employees, a middle-aged Alabama woman, let Pics of Me in Front of Stuff do a second pan for free!  Not all of the 'Bama ladies are that bad!

After panning all of the gemstones we could, Pics of Me in Front of Stuff took a tour of what De Soto Caverns Park is known for...De Soto Cavern.  The cave consists of several rooms featuring a multitude of rock formations.  As caves go it's smaller than Luray Caverns but bigger than Penn's Cave.  Pics of Me in Front of Stuff is not a spelunking organization.  The cave was pretty and well lit as caves go and that made it a lot easier to look around.  Can you imagine someone stumbling around a cave with just a lantern to guide them?  Pics of Me in Front of Stuff appreciates the adventurous spirit, but still thinks their nuts.
There were a multitude of rock formations lit up in unique ways.

Most of the cave provided lots of blurry pictures, like the one above and this one below.

 

 Pics of Me in Front of Stuff just lacks the expertise to take pictures in low light.  Messing with the settings did give a crazy looking image like this one.

 

The lack of photography skills aside, the cave was a very beautiful example of what we do not get to see very often.  When was the last time you saw beauty built on the geologic time scale?  That's millions of years for those of you not scientifically inclined.  God or Nature or whatever omnipotent force you prefer took It's time making this cave.  Think about that and then compare that to the 15 minutes you can imagine it takes me to pump out crap like this blog.  They used to say a million monkeys with a million typewriters could pump out the great works of Shakespeare by just sheer chance.  We now have the internet to prove that is not true.  Someone else said that, I know for sure, but I don't know who.  I can't take credit for it.  

At the end of the tour our guide showed us one of the only places you can be in complete darkness.

 

They call it cave darkness for a reason. 

After the darkness, there was a light show which was in the spirit of the Christmas season and a little heavy on the Jesus.  Considering De Soto Cavern's location the theme was not surprising.  At the very least, the lights were pretty.  They matched the rock formations.  The stalactites and stalagmites were definitely worth the long wait and if you are unlucky enough to be in northern Alabama any time of year I recommend visiting the caverns.  I have a feeling the cool in the cave is a welcome respite to the heat in the summer.  If you get a chance go visit and get out of the heat.