Happy Festivus

This is a few days late, but I was too drunk and/or tired on the night of Festivus.  Whatever, I do what I want!
Airing of the Grievances

1. Ryan Howard - way to ruin my night in Louisville, KY.  How do you not swing at that pitch?  GFY
2. Joe Buck - You ruin not one, but two seasons for me.  Can you somehow lose the ability to speak on television?  The best thing about the Fox-Cablevision spat was being able to avoid you!
3. The Jersey Shore Cast - You are proof that all you need to succeed is the willingness to be a douche bag on TV.  Thanks for making America dumber.
4. This Guy - You're tall, you're good-looking, you have a wonderful fiance'....Asshole!
5. Bartner- See This Guy replace wonderful fiance with girlfriend.
6. Justi Gayes - See This Guy, replace tall with smart and replace fiance with wife.
7. Fat chicks with pretty faces on Match.com - you're the reasons I no longer trust head shots.  Fuck you and your FGAS.
8. The chick in the Green Turtle who told me to 'Move along, Loser!' - Eat a dick, I have a graduate degree, a good job, and a membership to Costco.  Mom says I'm a catch.
9. Tom Brady - long hair and Uggs are for your wife.  You know why Johnny Unitas was awesome?  Because he never did the lame shit you do.  You may have won more Super Bowls but he was never on TMZ.  Get a fucking hair cut, lace up some black high tops, and quit being a bitch.
10. Michael Vick - I really should hate you because aside from playing football well, I have no proof you have redeemed yourself.  After what you and Desean Jackson did to the Giants... 
11. People who hate Michael Vick - Attention Animal Lovers, please look up the names Donte Stallworth, Leonard Little, Ray Lewis, and Ben Rothlisberger and remember that you're a human.  There are lots of humans who are without a warm bed or food tonight.  Save your own species first.
12. People who invent retarded abbreviations like convo - I despise the word convo.  There is a 2nd O in that word but not here you just went ahead and put it.  I also hate the words/abbreviations chat and obvi.  No, I don't want to have a convo or chat with you.  It's obvi I think you're a dumbass for including those in any convo we have.  The unnecessary shortening of words drives me up a wall.  America can only continue to get dumber as we rely on text messages and spell check to shorten and correct our mistakes.