I love this headline and I wanted to be able to use it somehow.
My Christmas tasted like a sausage stuffed inside a bird which was stuffed inside a bird that stuffed inside a bird.
Behold Turducken!
I was expecting something more like what John Madden gave to the Detroit Lions back in the 1800s when they won their traditional Thanksgiving football game. Something with an extraordinary number of legs for a bird minus the large men in pads surrounding it.
How did I manage to find a picture of victorious Detroit Lions without Barry Sanders?! Have they won a game since he retired? He was a huge part of my childhood! Playing with HB #20 in Madden 1993 was the zenith of my video game skills since I never got to play with this guy.
My lack of gaming skills aside, the Official Mom of PoMiFoS had declared she would make something exciting for Christmas dinner partially due to her lack of cooking at Thanksgiving. To my dismay her initial choice was a ham.... Fortunately, we spent much of the evening of Black Friday watching the Travel Channel or Food Network (don't they have mostly the same programming?) and saw multiple discussions regarding the greatness of a Turducken. So Christmas evening after the presents had been unwrapped and the initial excitement of the Wii had faded, we all sat down to enjoy the Turducken!
It was Turd-licious!
On second thought, it was really tasty. Turd-licious sounds pretty gross.
Tom Brady - long hair and Uggs are for your wife. You know why Johnny Unitas was awesome? Because he never did the lame shit you do. You may have won more Super Bowls but he was never on TMZ. Get a fucking hair cut, lace up some black high tops, and quit being a bitch.
Michael Vick - I really should hate you because aside from playing football well, I have no proof you have redeemed yourself. After what you and Desean Jackson did to the Giants...
People who hate Michael Vick - Attention Animal Lovers, please look up the names Donte Stallworth, Leonard Little, Ray Lewis, and Ben Rothlisberger and remember that you're a human. There are lots of humans who are without a warm bed or food tonight. Save your own species first.
People who invent retarded abbreviations like convo - I despise the word convo. There is a 2nd O in that word but not here you just went ahead and put it. I also hate the words/abbreviations chat and obvi. No, I don't want to have a convo or chat with you. It's obvi I think you're a dumbass for including those in any convo we have. The unnecessary shortening of words drives me up a wall. America can only continue to get dumber as we rely on text messages and spell check to shorten and correct our mistakes.
I have not posted anything not mustache related in far too long. Movember is over and the last of my facial hair is completely gone. That is definitely for the best. Justin Gayes turns 30 and the band is getting together to celebrate. Now's a chance to give PoMiFoS readers what they really want... No, not a search result for the.word vagina. Poorly recounted tales of my travels around the USA. My drinking shoes are all laced up and ready to go. Now I'm just playing the waiting game at the Newark Airport. Google TBOX to see just how we're celebrating tomorrow.
Who loves you, Kyle? Clearly the Official Mom of POMIFOS does!! Check out that ice cream cake she got me. That plus the smartphone she got me and on which this is being published and also maybe the 29 years of love and support she sounds pretty great! Happy Birthday, Me!
There is me and my new Droid! Pics of Me in Front of Stuff has entered the 21st century! Thanks to the Official Mom of POMIFOS all 3 of my readers can now enjoy real time blogging! That means even less thought and proofreading in every post! Happy birthday to me!
In case you missed last year's incarnation, you should read up on Cleo Possum. Since Prostate and Testicular Cancer isn't going away any time soon, I imagine I'll be growing a mustache. When you look this good with a mustache how could I not continue to grow them?
I actually sent this picture via text to some friends with the caption 'Does this mustache make me look creepy? Remember to donate to Movember!' to see what the response was and with the hopes of drumming up some donations. Below are the responses:
'Wow, is all I can say'
'Wow...Wow...'
'Yes, yes, it does!'
'I don't even know who you are right now!' which was followed up after some discussion with 'The hair/stache = pervert combo'
Instead fear the goatee! I think it's to blame for the increased level of foul language that may have exited my mouth Saturday afternoon and possibly the need to drink an excessive amount of scotch Saturday night. That goatee don't take shit from no one.
It may even be able to do a Triple Lindy if not for the 230 lbs of dude attached to it. Triple Lindy's and goatees aside, Pics of Me in Front of Stuff ventured down to the National Mall in Washington, D.C. for the Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear.
Leading up to the event, no one knew what it was about. Don't look for a recap here. It was hard to define just what the point of the rally was before going there and experiencing it. Some journalists went as far as to predict it could be this generation's Woodstock or some grand defining moment. Would it be just a series of insults to the major media outlets especially Fox News but without ignoring CNN, MSNBC, and the others of their ilk? It's hard to define an event whose basic message seemed to be moderation. John Stewart is obviously a proponent of the left and Stephen Colbert is a clear parody of the right, was the intention to be 3 hours of comedy for them to poke fun at the Tea Party, the GOP and the rest of the far right.
In a brief sober moment on Pics of Me in Front of Stuff, our generation's defining moment happened on a sunny Tuesday in September 10 years ago. In this age of limited attention spans, there will never be a person who will forget just what they saw that day. Some rally held by a cable network's fake news anchors/pundits is never going to change that. No matter how many clever signs the participants produced.
This is among my favorites.
This one is also among my favorites. Thank you, South Park.
On a related note holding up a sign comparing anyone but Hitler to Hitler is not only a slap in the face to the people who suffered through the atrocities committed by Hitler, a slap into the face of the brave people who fought and lost their lives stopping Hitler, but it also makes all of us look fucking stupid.
So what was the Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear? It was about showing that the majority of Americans are not the nut jobs on either extreme. The extremes make for good news. The extremes on both sides are also what make us Americans look like a bunch of assholes. John Stewart called the 80 % of us not on either extreme a silent majority. Are we? I don't know. The initial impression I most often give people based mostly on where I came from, I usually get confused for being conservative. With my more conservative friends, I'm the closest thing some of them will ever see to a liberal. I do not want to fit into either of those boxes. And that's what the 80 % is. Nobody fits completely into either of those boxes.
Did the rally accomplish anything?
I don't know. We did the wave.
A co-ed wave...
..and women only wave...
...and a men only wave.
So what was this other than a chance to do the wave with 150,000 of my closest friends? No idea. Hopefully, it will be a chance for the majority to actually gain a voice. Then again, a calm soothing voice doesn't sell ads. At the very least, it was a nice day and a good time.
NLCS Game 2 Sunday Night: Roy Oswalt (anyone else find it bizarre that Chase Utley is in Roy Oswalt's Wikipedia picture?) gives up another homerun 5th inning...to Ross...to left field...on what may have been the exact same pitch on which Halladay gave up a tater. However, in the 7th inning this Roy led off an inning with a hit, ran through a stop-sign thrown up by Sam Perlozzo for an insurance run and the Phils cruised the rest of the way to a 6-1 victory.
Happy Beard Face!
Unfortunately, both images are merely dramatizations of what the Beardface could have looked like at Pics of Me in Front of Stuff Manor. Thanks to Fox and Cablevision's little spat the NFL and NLCS are not appearing in large portions of the tri-state area which forced me off of my comfy couch and onto a barstool. I sent the Official Favorite Uncle of Pics of Me in Front of Stuff the following text message: I had to go to a bar to watch the game. Guess I'll have to drink some beer. Luckily, the Bartner was available for some sports watching and beer drinking during Game 1. We were at Big Shots on Saturday night. The well-endowed, lasciviously dressed waitresses and bartenders were a bonus, but of three times I've gone to watch the Phillies in the playoffs there they've lost twice. You're on your last chance Big Shots!. I flew solo to the only Damon's in New Jersey on Sunday night. While lacking the T and A, the Phils are undefeated in two visits to the bar for playoff games. You're ahead by a nose, Damon's. So even though Fox and Cablevision tried to deprive me, the playoff beard, and Pics of Me in Front of Stuff of the NLCS Playoff Beard Watch 2010 Continues!
With that beard and that shirt, how can the ladies keep their hands off of me?! I'll admit I trimmed up my neck following Cole stomped on the faces of the Reds' playoff chances.
The beard as a whole remains intact and hopefully all of its magical powers. It was actually a crucial part of my attire for the Warrior Dash this past weekend. Don't worry, you'll hear about that one soon enough and maybe even see pictures I did not steal from a sports blog.
Portland is the whitest big city in the United States, being over 70 % white according to the most recent census. Portland was almost named Boston. Thankfully, the name Portland won on a coin-flip and the West Coast avoided having a second Red Sox franchise and a second set of obnoxious fans who can't say their r's.
They also love their PBR in Portland.
Damn, hipsters.
Finally, Portland is split by the Willamette River with Downtown Portland existing only on the west side of the river. Not far from the river on 3rd Ave SW is Voodoo Doughnut.
The bakery is famous, at least to me, from appearing on multiple Travel Channel shows including Man vs Food and College Gameday on their trip to Eugene, OR. On College Gameday, Kirk Herbstreit had a Stanford doughnut, an Oregon doughnut, and a Maple Bacon Bar. Another reason College Gameday is one of my favorite shows. Also, their commercials are hilarious! Voodoo Doughnut is known most for the unique toppings used on said doughnuts. There are multiple locations, but Pics of Me in Front of Stuff does not visit spin-offs. Pics of Me in Front of Stuff goes to the original. Sadly, in addition to photographer and sole contributer I am also the driver and finding your way around Downtown Portland is not a completely simple proposition. I probably drove by the tiny hole-in-the-wall bakery 3 or 4 times before I saw the line and the sign for my destination.
When I finally got to park, waited in the long line, and managed to get into the tiny hole in the wall bakery I was shocked at the sheer number of combinations of doughnuts and doughnut toppings. Check out their menu online. I managed to wade through the huge number of choices because I knew what I wanted before I got there.
The Maple Bacon Bar!
Aside from being the food of the Gods the Maple Bacon Bar is more or less a glazed doughnut with maple flavored icing and bacon on top. It really is just like someone put their pancake breakfast in doughnut form. The combination of the sweet from the icing and doughnut with the salty and savory from the bacon was supreme. I'd like to get another while I am writing this from Pics of Me in Front of Stuff Manor in New Jersey. I doubt they deliver that far. I recommend you go get one as soon as you travel to Portland again.
'It's the only way to live' - Charlie Manuel on being in first place
The Phillies clinched the NL East last Monday night in Washington. Roy Halladay threw a shutout then got champagne dumped all over him by his teammates. Then things got really crazy...at least from a grammatical standpoint.
Thanks to ZWR (and wherever they got it) for the video.
Winning the NL East has become a regular fall event for the Phillies and their fans. As one of those fans, it's time to start Beard Watch 2010, another regular autumnal event. I last shaved the day before the Phillies clinched for reasons that may be discussed later. Regardless of why I shaved, the important point is that I have not shaved since. The Phillies have spent the past week preparing for the postseason and so have I. Now the season is over and the big excitement begins on Wednesday.
I will never lie and claim to be above watching trashy TV. I actually was present for a filming of the Jerry Springer show in Chicago. I used to love watching the Real World/Road Rules Challenge for the sheer pageantry of stupidity that people who want to be famous put on. Shit, I write a blog about my traveling 'exploits'. Do I have room to be critical? I loved watching the first season of The Jersey Shore. The sheer ridiculousness of the Guidos or Bennies or Shoeys on that show simply made the first season irresistible. However, stupidity can only hold my attention for so long and I can't claim to have seen a single episode of the 2nd season. And then Snooki got a book deal.
I have to give credit where credit is due for finding this image. Thanks to The Daily Wh.at, The Official Pics of Me in Front of Stuff Source for memes.
You know what Snooki's book deal made me want to do...
And then it gave me hope. If someone as dumb as she appears to be can get a book deal almost anyone can. I know most of you, Dear Readers, all 5 of you do read books and probably would buy a copy of my book. Then again, the majority of my readers would probably expect them for free as Christmas gifts. There's at least 3 guaranteed sales there, unfortunately they would all be to me! Regardless, there's hope for my memoirs!
Holy Crap! It's a post on Pics of Me in Front of Stuff!
Holy Crap, I'm not dead!
No, the rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated. If there were such rumors.
The Vagina Hunters are still blowing up Pics of Me in Front of Stuff even without new content or content without a huge number of typos like the post about my trip to Iowa. It's interesting my keyboard stopped working following that trip. Some like to say it may have been due to an excessive amount of 'adult' material but I worry it may have committed suicide due to it being implicated in the murder of the English language. It's likely we'll never know for sure.
Back to exclamations:
Holy crap, I got to stand on the warning track at Citizen's Bank Park!
Holy crap, I'm wearing mandals! Apparently, it's a fashion faux pas for men to expose their toes in public. I'll never claim to have attractive feet. They're slightly hobbitish just larger and with slightly less hair but I have just as much right as anyone to let my toes get some fresh air. There are bigger prolems out there like muffin tops and Justin Bieber's hair cut. Go handle those, fashion police, before accosting me for my choice of footwear. To all you mandal haters, I say eat a dick.
And more importantly, Holy Crap, I've never stood so close to the Philadelphia Phillies before.
I was not as close as that guy was to Roy Halladay's lovely smile.
I was probably close enough that my man-crush on Cole Hamels could have come to fruition.
No, it would have not been whatever Strictly a platonic man-hug ala J.D. and Turk in Scrubs.
I have probably been to many more interesting places than Iowa lately, but Iowa's fresh on my mind. Since I am sitting in Chicago at about 4:30 local time waiting for my 9:30 flight to Newark I figured I could enthrall my readers and Vagina Hunters alike with a recount of my second day in Iowa at the Iowa State Fair.
You should also know there ain't no party like an Iowa party because an Iowa party don't stop.
When Ton Loc and Vanilla and the Legends of Hip Hop and whoever took this video, which was from a vantage point much closer than I was standing, how could the party stop? But Vanilla Ice was at the end of the night, let's go back to 10 AM Central Time when I and the Official Mom and Stepfather of Pics of Me in Front of Stuff showed up at the Iowa State Fair.
In my previous experience with fairs, I had basically eaten everything in sight. I was like a fried food Pacman as my posse wandered through the narrow aisles of the fair and at enough fried food to shorten the Official Lifespan of Pics of Me in Front of Stuff by a few months. This trip to the fair was with a different goal - observe Iowans and report... So maybe observe and report is a bit of an exaggeration. All I really needed to do in Iowa was spend the night and it would become State No. 39. So what I really did can be described as look around, eat food on a stick, and report.
You may not know this and I did not until I read an Iowa Visitor's Guide, but the Iowa State Fair offers 50 foods on a stick. Unfortunately, I read the Visitor's Guide after visiting the Iowa State Fair and ended up with only 3 foods on a stick:
A corn dog.
Please insert phallic jokes below.
Chicken on a stick
I shared that one with the Official Mom of Pics of Me in Front of Stuff.
And last but certainly not least, a deep-fried Twinkie.
I tried to get a photo of me eating one, but the excess cholesterol kept gumming up the auto-focus on my camera.
I'd be remiss if I left out the pork chop sandwich, even if it was not on a stick.
Days at at a fair make me glad that I am not a vegetarian.
Vegetarians would like the Iowa State Fair, too. There are lots of animals in pens which suddenly makes them a million times cuter. I have seen hundreds of sheep and horses and cows and bulls and other livestock in my 28+ years and I drive by most of them without giving them a second thought. Sometimes I get pissed at them, like the roosters near the Official Childhood Home of Pics of Me in Front of Stuff that crowed at sunrise or the cows or sheep that sometimes crossed the at inopportune times. If you suddenly put those animals in pens or cages that you can walk by and possibly give them a coat, they become a million times more interesting and/or cuter. Look at these miniature horses dressed up like Lucha Libre wrestlers.
Aside from the impossibly cute, there was also the freaks of nature. Whether anyone wants to admit it, almost everyone stares at accidents when they drive by and almost everyone loves a freak show. The Iowa State Fair did not feature a real freak show like that at the Mutter Museum or one P.T. Barnum may have ran it did like to feature big things. Big things like:
Super Bull
Super Bull sounds very similar to Super Bowl which confused me briefly since I have a strong suspicion that Des Moines, Iowa will never get the opportunity to host one. Des Moines did get to host a 3000 lb bull.
But seriously, those are some big testicles aren't they?
And the boar has some big ones, too!
Really, testicles and B-List rappers aside, the Iowa State Fair is also fair is famous for one thing in particular. In a state known for agriculture, especially corn and beef, the most famous feature of the Iowa State Fair is the Butter Cow.
I am not sure what it means for a cow to be made out of a dairy product. Maybe there is some kind of juxtaposition or paradox that some more eloquent writer to expound on. Maybe a ground beef cow would not have gone over as well. Butter sculpting is a traditional art form performed by Tibetan monks and Iowa artisans. The monks did this as a form of worship. The Iowa artisans...well, they eat way too many cows to claim they worship cows so let's call it tradition. But there was a long line of reverent fair-goers that walked by the butter cow...so maybe worship is the appropriate word. Cow worship or not, I am just about of steam writing this post. The Iowa State Fair was fun and I was glad to cross State No. 39 off the list. Eventually, I'll mention the 4 or 5 states I've left out.
Hello! You probably know me, but imaybe not. I don't take sports as seriously as I ued to. I have goals and if I remember to write about them you'll see when I accomplish them.
